Have you ever noticed yourself reacting in a relationship and thinking, “Why am I like this?” Maybe you shut down when things get emotional. Maybe you get anxious when someone takes too long to text back. Maybe you feel torn between wanting closeness and wanting space.

These reactions often come from something deeper than the relationship in front of you. Many of our patterns in adulthood are shaped by the emotional experiences we had in childhood. Long before we become adults, we’ve already learned powerful lessons about love, trust, conflict, and communication. Over time, those early lessons turn into what we call attachment styles.

The Four Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are basically the blueprint for how we connect with others. Everyone develops an attachment style, and while there are many variations, most people fall into one of four main types. Three of them (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) are considered less secure and can create challenges in our relationships.  The fourth, secure attachment, is generally what we aim to build toward, helping us feel safe, connected, and confident in how we relate to others.

Attachment styles are not labels or diagnoses, and they are not about blaming your caregivers or staying stuck in the past. The goal of understanding your attachment style is to create awareness of patterns that once served a purpose for you but likely are no longer needed or helpful so that you can begin to make conscious choices that support healthier, more fulfilling relationships. 

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style often develops when a caregiver’s availability was inconsistent. A child in this situation learns to stay tuned in to the relationship at all times because the connection feels unpredictable, or that they need to amplify their emotions to get attention or reassurance. 

As an adult, an anxious attachment might look like: 

• Feeling afraid that a partner might leave 
• Worrying about being rejected 
• Seeking frequent reassurance but struggling to believe it
• Frequent people-pleasing
• A strong desire to be accepted and liked by others 
• Feeling “too much” yet also afraid of being overlooked
• Overthinking texts, tone, or conversations

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment usually develops when caregivers were emotionally distant or encouraged self-reliance and “toughness” over connection. A child in this situation might have learned that relying on others is risky, so they become self-sufficient as a way to feel safe. 

As an adult, an avoidant attachment might look like: 

• Being overly independent and having trouble asking for help 
• Needing a lot of space and autonomy
• Difficulty opening up and expressing emotions 
• Uncomfortable when someone gets too close
• Pulling away when relationships feel stressful
• Preferring to work through feelings or solving problems alone 
• Creating distance when others try to connect on a deeper level

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment styles often develop in environments that felt chaotic, confusing, or emotionally unpredictable, where the caregiver is a source of both comfort and fear. A child in this situation is often left without a clear way to stay safe and connected. 

As an adult, a disorganized attachment might look like: 

• Wanting closeness but also feeling afraid of getting hurt
• Moving between seeking reassurance and withdrawing
• Feeling unsure of how to trust others
• Struggling to feel emotionally safe with others 
• Difficulty with emotional identification and regulation 
• Feeling on edge in relationships
• Inconsistent behaviors which are confusing to partners

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment styles often develop when caregivers and reliable, responsive, and comforting. A child in this situation learns that relationships can feel safe, and that their needs matter and will be met consistently.  

In adult relationships, a secure attachment might look like:

• Feeling comfortable both in relationships and on your own
• Being in touch with your own emotions and the emotions of others
• Comfortable with depending on others and allowing others to depend on you
• Feels safe trusting others 
• Able to communicate needs and express emotions openly
• Comfortable with closeness
• Being able to handle conflict calmly

Your Attachment Style Is Not a Life Sentence

The good news is that attachment styles are not permanent. Your childhood shaped you, but it does not have to define your relationships forever. Through self-awareness, support, and new emotional experiences, you can move toward what is called earned secure attachment. This is something that happens gradually as you develop healthier ways of connecting that feel more stable than what you experienced growing up.

Some steps you can take to begin moving towards a more secure attachment style include:

• Getting curious about your reactions instead of criticizing yourself
• Practicing clearer communication of your needs
• Taking a pause before reacting in conflict
• Building relationships that feel steady and safe
• Exploring your patterns in therapy so you can connect the dots between then and now

Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means understanding how your past shaped you and consciously building relationships that align with the adult you’ve become. If you’re ready to understand your patterns and build healthier connections, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.